Saturday, February 14, 2009

Best Laid Plans...

I haven't been around much, sorry about that. I have an award from Jenn and a give away win from Tracey I meant to post, since DECEMBER, but I figured the Christmas rush would be over and I would have plenty of time.

I FINALLY took down my Christmas cards, yes, on VALENTINE's Day.

I still need to take my Christmas/Winter decorations off my front door, but don't have the gumption to do it.

I lay on the couch most of the time feeling nauseous, and none of my clothes are loose enough to be comfortable, but I haven't gained weight. I rarely have had the energy to even use my laptop, sitting upright for long is just too uncomfortable.

I've puked three times in the last week, but I don't have the flu.

I can't cook dinner any more, the smell of it drives me to hide under the blankets of my bed, and I refuse to allow my husband to cook anything for longer than 20 minutes, same reason. I did put a roast in a crock pot yesterday with no problem, but I let it cook in our garage.

I can't stay up past nine without feeling disgustingly bloated up so that I can't stand myself anymore.

I overheat at the drop of a hat, and the overheating makes me nauseous. But my feet are ALWAYS freezing cold.

So, if you showed up to read this, and made it this far, you either know what I'm about to say, or deserve to find out.

I'm pregnant.

Yeah. Uh huh. I know. We can't afford it, we have no where to put him/her (her? who are we kidding?) and after the last pregnancy the odds that this one will go well are extremely slim.

And I don't want to be pregnant. Yes, I know what causes it, the methods of prevention, not to get careless, please spare us the lectures. We do, well, did all that, and here I am. The only thing to save me now is divine intervention, which would be ok with me. My poor kids have suffered enough lately, the Lord has put us through a lot. It just seems mean spirited to ask them to go through this now.

OK, the part you hung in for. The reason you are still reading, and hopefully don't walk away hating me.

But, the Lord God Himself knows best for me, and my family, and this little person that appears to want to join us. He knows what will strengthen us, and what we can do to uplift His other children. He knows where we belong, and when we need to come, and I'll be darned if I am going to argue with Him about it.

No, even though my youngest born starts preschool this fall, and I had all sorts of ideas on how to spend that time (I even applied for a job, hah!!) the fact of the matter is the Lord knows best, and I trust Him.

I might not be too thrilled about it as I lay exhausted from... well, blogging, on my couch, but I'll get past that. And we will do what it takes to clothe, feed, and love another baby. Who will grow to be a fine young person who may very well save the world. The potential is always there. We just have to let God do His work.


Kim said...

Oh Marie, this post made me cry. I so know how you feel. We call Audrey our "bonus baby."
I am not here to judge, just to say that you are loved.
As Audrey outgrows her 0-3 month stuff, I keep thinking...."Who am I going to give all of this cute stuff to?"
So, in the (rare, unlikely, nearly impossible)event that you have a girl (I know, it's a stretch to imagine such a thing), I have lots of clothes to give you.
My heart goes out to you, my friend. You will be in my prayers.

Bryce's Ramblings said...

You're in our prayers, Marie.

Betsey said...

I love you Marie - you make beautiful babies and wonderful kids! All will be well! Can I help you?
Much love, Betsey

Tracey said...

Oh sweetie! First, I am so happy that you are looking for the brightness of this event. A baby is a blessing, and I have a feeling this one WILL be someone fabulous!

Second, Congratulations! May the nausea and fatigue fade away to leave you feeling rosy and happy.

Best wishes...

Nicki said...

Having been there during all your pregnancies, I have seen you and your family grow. Not only in number, but also in love. I have seen your older boys coo and giggle and hug and roughhouse(gently). I have heard them tell each other, "I love you." I have seen them learn how to care for another person more than themselves. I know they can handle this, as can you. I am so grateful to be a part of your wonderful lives. Congratulations.
P.S. I still think "better you than me."

kbbryant said...

Oh Marie, you sound misrable. God bless you, as you pass throught this difficult part of this pregnancy. Right now I'm praying that you sense the reality of God's presence going before you in this journey. May you feel incredible peace in the middle of the misrable physical symptoms.
Sending hugs your way,
Kathy b

Memories by Melissa Photography said...

Ok, I haven't commented before now because I just don't know what to say. Just know that we love you and we are here for you (just as you always have been for us). And remember, if it gets too bad I still have lots of Zofran at my house. ;)

Ashleigh said...

I'm not sure what to say . . . Read the last conference talk, Come What May. It reminded me that life is not perfect, but come what may and love it (or as best you can). You can do it and you seem to have a great support system. Cheers to the second trimester-when sickness in less and before you're horribly uncomfortable (I'm in my last week).

Tara said...

Congrats - though I know what's it's like to know you're suppose to be happy about it and not. I went through that with Peter. And you're right, the Lord knows best. I certainly wouldn't have it any other way with my little red headed monkey. But it's hard. Hang in there - let me know how I can help. You'll certainly be in my prayers - and I'll totally understand if you're depressed, sad, miserable and can't seem to see any good in it all - I did all that. Although, from the sounds of things, you might be a step up on me there.

Megan and Sean said...

((((HUGS))))) from the queen of unplaned pregnancy's....

sqeako said...

I know just how you feel my last two pregnancies were such a shock to me, that I was almost out of my mind. Certainly the good lord thought I needed to be blessed one more time with Tyoaka, and then a mearly nine monthes go buy to find out I was pregnant again. I thought and still say to this day that the lord either thinks that I already am crazy or wants me to be crazy, but I would not trade them for the world. He choose you because you are the right person for the job and he knows you can handle what ever he gives you. He knows that you will cherish that precious baby as much as he does. Good luck and Congrates to you and your family will make it over what ever mountains that get in your way.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

What a shock. These things do have a way of working themselves out--I hope that happens for you.

My youngest was meant to be--I was nursing and taking birth control pills, and yet . . .