Monday, September 29, 2008


There's this really bad thing that happens in my life, every 4 to 6 weeks, that turns me absolutely insane. Nothing in the world is right, for anywhere from 4 to 8 days. I have been an absolute basket case for a week, finding it very difficult to hold things together. I burst into tears during a shower last Friday night, and when I was out of the bathroom I cried on my 12 year old's shoulder about missing my Granddad. Who died in 1997.


I was feeling quite hopeless, cause there was no apparent reason for my frustration. And then the bad thing happened. After only 3 weeks.

There may be hope for me yet. Stay tuned.

Oh, and like my new header? I owe it all to Robin, at

Thanks Robin! I needed the step by step direction! I hadn't read through your post, I just clicked on Wordle to find out what it was, then played around for a day before going back and seeing you had walked us through it. Thanks, it worked like a charm!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Very emotional post.

This has been floating around in my head for a long time, it's time to get it out and I think this is the venue.

I am a good mom, despite the opinion of anonymous, to refresh your memories, or anyone else who cares to offer an opinion. I do not shield my children from all of the world, though I do protect them from situations where they might be maimed or killed. I love them, with all my heart, and while I don't think they are accurate in saying I'm the best mom in the whole world, I am of the opinion that I might be the best mom for them.

I've come to some new conclusions, however, after the events of the last week. I am only the good mom that I am for them, because I seek out the help of others. Oh, I don't hand things over to others until I have become totally confident that they are of the same intentions that I am, and I still micromanage, because really, they are MY kids. With Bill.

Back to my point. There is a scripture that I love. will link to it. It reads in part: I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.

The Lord has given me great blessings. He has also given me a firm testimony. Because of this, he requires much of me. More than I alone could do.

Which is why he gave me people. Other people have been so instrumental in the life of my family, each one of us, that there is no way we would function as well as we do if it wasn't for them. And frankly, I need to take a moment to thank them.

There's the speech pathologist who taught me how to communicate with my son. There's the kindergarten teacher who taught me how to work the system for what my kids need. Understanding teachers who are open to communication, and able and willing to speak frankly with me, because I need it. Countless teachers at church have not only reinforced the gospel with my boys, but also called them at times during the week, and made them feel important. There's our doctor, who reels me in when I need it, and Christina, who is teaching me loads more than I ever knew about how my boys are thinking, and why, and how to help them. There's the firemen, who are so understanding and kind and really seem to like that my boys want to be around them. TBall coaches, Little League coaches, basketball coaches, soccer coaches, moms of their friends who offer them rides, and give them safe places to be. There's the Joy Nichols's, Kim Cooks, Scott Alberts, and Reading Recovery teachers of the world who were so willing and anxious to do anything to help. There are the grandparents and friends, especially best friends, both theirs and mine, who the kids look to as friends of their own. I was so grateful that when Michael was asked to list off the people who love him last night, Nicki and Melissa, and their families were all on the list. Even Savannah, because I'm sure she still loves him, too. The 4H leader who happens to be their uncle, but also the whole working steer community at the fairs, who love my boys and encourage them. The GT teacher who presents them with opportunities and stands back to see if they bite, giving a nudge if necessary. Blog friends who offer words of encouragement from time to time. We have a village, people. And it takes a village.

These people, all of whom are inspiring my kids, my husband, and me to be our best when we are with them, are a gift. They are gifts for a mom who has had to endure depression, stress levels to the point where I couldn't eat without pain when Michael was a baby, children with unique needs and perspectives, children with such high capacities that they need more knowledge given to them than I could ever manage. Pregnancies that did me in, and service that HAD to be rendered by me, because it was in His plan for us. Learning experiences that would have been too much to bear, except we had others to help us through it. And still do.

I am eternally grateful, grateful to these friends and helpers, and to my Heavenly Father for providing them, that we could face such amazing challenges, and benefit from the blessings therein. Yes, my children are seeing a counselor. She does not have to teach them that I love them, they know it. She is teaching them how to work through their feelings after a tragedy of epic proportion in their lives. When they break a leg, I will also take them to see a doctor, to have it put in a cast and get crutches to still walk. Their injuries are not visible, but still as painful. They are not caused by me, but by the cruelty of a difficult world, one where babies are murdered, and women abused, and where children die of cancer. I am so grateful to have Christina, because just as our doctor could bandage a wound, she can bandage a wounded heart.

Thank you to all our friends. We love you, and appreciate you. And as you have served us, I know that you have indeed served God himself. Never count yourself as unnecessary, you are truly important in our lives.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008


Tracey commented she hoped the day turned out better....

It actually got worse, my second boy lost his shoes. The 2 players rode the bus back to the school, and the rest of us stopped by the house to leave off my husband's truck and ride together. I had him drop the elementary boy and I at that school, figured we'd get a head start, while he waited for the team to be dismissed at the Middle School.

I toured the entire school with Michael.

They never showed.

We finally walked to the Middle School. I greeted the principal in the foyer, and asked if he had seen my boys. We have small classes, Dustin's class at last count was 45. By that, I mean in his GRADE. So the principal knows each student well.

Anyway, he said he had seen them, and that Brian was in socks.

I ask several teachers, trying to narrow down where they went, but the one thing they all knew was my son had no shoes on. He's not supposed to wear cleats in the building, so this was not terribly alarming. Yet.

Michael and I chatted awhile with Brian's homeroom teacher, the wife of the Assistant Fire Chief. Remind me to tell you of the canvas painting of my husband in his uniform.

Anyway, we finally gave up, mind you, I had scanned the parking lots and NOT seen my car. We went outside to sit and wait. Side note: I was dumb and left my cell phone in the van. Or I could have called him.

He finally appears, with 3 boys in tow. Turns out he had gone to the school gym. And the soccer field where they had played. And finally our house, to get old shoes. I told him he should never, EVER go to all that trouble again. Brian could have done the open house in socks.

We're hoping they are on the bus, luckily it was THEIR bus they ride every day, so he should be able to ask easily enough.


THEN my day got better. At night, we all have a family prayer, and then each of us hug and kiss goodnight. I don't make my boys kiss, but I DO make them hug. It has yielded VERY good results so far. Anyway, Zachary, the 3 yo, was the last to give me a hug. He gave me a big kiss, where his face is smushed on my cheek and he just waits before he smacks. Then, he wrapped his still-toddler-chubby arms around my neck, and he says, "I love you, Mommy... You da best mommy in da whole WOLD!!"

And don't you forget it, kid!!! ;-)

Woes of the Soccer Mom...

Forgive me while I lament.

Yesterday was the first scheduled game for Middle School soccer. It was also sign ups for the youth league you play in before Middle School, and was conveniently to be held at the field where they were playing.

Or so I thought.

It rained. I mean it POURED yesterday. I went in to Walmart on a beautiful, pleasantly cloudy (no sun glare when driving) day, sure to be the remnant of the blasted-no-longer-hurricane we dealt with through the weekend, and as I was paying an hour (or ten, I lost count) later, a man walked by with a DRENCHED T-shirt. I mean WET. People commented and he said, "Yeah, it's POURING!"

And it continued to pour until 1 PM. Games were cancelled. End of story.

Uh. No.

Cancelled was the word the lovely school secretary used, no that was not sarcastic, I really do like her, she's very sweet.

It wasn't until I pulled out the schedule with my boys and commented, "So, I guess your first game of the season will be at Carrabec on Thursday, " that I heard, "No,m we're playing this one tomorrow, same time same place."


Then I spent twenty minutes too long explaining to my second grader the difference between CANCELLED and POSTPONED.

Which is fine. I'm glad they will get to play.


You see, we still had to sign up the younger one that day.

And then today? Today we are caring for a friend's 2 yo and bringing him home around 230, after the girl 5th grader I babysit before and after school gets here at 2:15, then be back for my elementary school boy to be dropped home at 3:10, scoot down the road 10 minutes for a 3:30 soccer game, return the middle schooler some time near 4:30 (half an hour early 'cuz her mom leaves work early on Wednesdays to take her to dance) get back to the games for the 5:00 start, when they are done run to the school (ten minutes back near home, we are lucky to live exactly 3 minutes from the school) for an elementary open house (6:00-7:00) and then hit the Middle school open house (6:30-7:30, don't you love how they don't COMPLETELY overlap?), and do you know where I will be come 8:00 PM?

The McDonald's drive-thru.

Yeah. Now excuse me, I need to ask Mother Google where the heck Carrabec is. And get directions on how to get there.

'Cuz I've heard of it, but never had cause to go there before.

Monday, September 8, 2008

No, I don't drink...

Or anything like that. I just spent the last ten minutes defending how random my last blog post was. Like I might have been "on" something.


Really, church was awful.

Well, I like church, but it was a really rough day emotionally. We had a testimony meeting, which is when instead of 3 speakers who have been asked to prepare a talk on an assigned subject, the floor is open to anyone who wants to share what they know about a gospel topic. ANY gospel topic. Usually, someone feels that there is an experience they recently had that helped to teach them, or reaffirm to them, a gospel principal.

One friend of mine shared how her home teacher came and rescued her when her SUV, pulling a trailer full of camping gear for a youth camp out, was deemed unsafe to drive with a bad tie rod end on her way to the camp. He was there, ready to drive a couple of hours, in less than 30 minutes, with no advance notice.

Talk about charity. And service.

"When ye are in the service of your fellow men, ye are only in the service of your God."

Someone else bore testimony of watching her toddler walk away from her a bit in the woods, it was a safe area for that to happen, and how he repeatedly looked to her to insure he was safe. It reminded her of how we need to regularly look up and make sure we are not too far from our Savior, and consequently our Heavenly Father.

That sort of thing makes up a testimony meeting.

Was I wrong to be sad that no one mentioned Savannah? Melissa and Brian weren't there, so obviously they didn't share anything regarding their grieving process. I didn't get up. I couldn't put my finger on anything particular to say, so I said nothing at all.

Then we sang the last song of that meeting, "I am a Child of God". It's one of very few that are in both the Children's Songbook, and the grown-ups hymnbook. Most every one in our faith can sing it without the book, and it happened to be one of Savannah's favorites, so we sung it often at the hospital.

I cried. I held Michael close to me and cried. Hard. Then Zachary came up and wanted a hug during the ending prayer, and I took the opportunity to leave the room with him, and I went and cried in a smaller room.

Eventually I pulled it together. LDS services consist of sacrament meeting, which was now over, then Sunday school, then Relief Society for women.

Our lesson on the first Sunday of the month is up to the Relief Society presidency to decide. Their topic? How to be a good friend.

Both of my best friends weren't there. But to my wonderful joy, another good friend, one who was there at the hospital with us those last days, was. She got me through it.

For your information, I also found the testimony I needed to share.

A good friend, a true friend, knows who you are, even when you forget. They remind you (when you are desperately looking to get your family out of survival mode) that you stopped telling your boys to LOVE each other. They remind you that your boys need to be reminded that love is a verb, a way to act, and they need to LOVE each other. Because that is what you have taught them all their lives.

An amazing thought that was in our lesson is to substitute in the scriptures the word friendship for charity.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8: Friendship suffereth long, and is kind; friendship envieth not; friendship vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
Friendship never faileth

I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for the friends that He has placed in my life, and for all that they have taught me, and the service they have rendered me. They are a treasured gift.

ps If you have any questions about the faith that I share with members of my church, feel free to check out for more information. Or ask. That's ok too.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Oh, uh, hi...

Haven't seen me in awhile, huh? Well, I got some new toys, that don't involve blogging.

Crazy talk, I know.

First, I got a new cell phone. It's an ipod, too. Which means I had to load it with music, which I still haven't fully sorted. Oh, and I downloaded tetris, so you know, that takes some of my time. I'm a bit addicted to it.

Then of course there's the start of school, which brings with it the start of soccer. My 2 oldest want to play middle school soccer this year, with almost every other fifth grader, so there were tryouts for the first time. On the plus side, they both made it. Or the down side, take your pick. They both stay at school an extra hour and a half, and with the steers still here to tend to it fills up our lives.

Dustin is taking Algebra 1 this year. It's putting him on a track for college courses his senior year. It also means an hour of homework for just math every night. He's very excited about it, and really wants it to work out. I believe he would say it is the number one priority as far as his responsibilities he's taken on.

Then there's Lego League. Both Brian and Dustin are doing it. It's starting as only once a week, in the evenings. So that day they will be home for all of 2 1/2 hours before they need to be back at school, and then when they come home it's bedtime. That 2 1/2 hours needs to accommodate homework, chores, and dinner. It's the first year I have ever really felt like I allowed my kids to be over-scheduled. We'll see how it goes.

My thoughts have been we'll have one difficult month, then the steers go up the road. Around the same time soccer will end. I would have discouraged the soccer, but Dustin's friends all play (except one, he's got a serious football dad) and he really was looking forward to it, even since last year.

On the plus side, Lego League will for sure also end in December, no chances to go to worlds this year, Maine isn't invited. If you could see me, I'm doing the little happy dance!

Oh yeah, and in other news, do I look different to you? That's because I am blogging from my brand new laptop that I bought so that I won't completely lose my marbles. So far, I still seem to be losing some, so the plan may backfire. The soccer "Play Day" almost did me in. It was this past Saturday, and required the kids to be there by 8, and from 9 til 4 pm they had 25 minute long games scheduled every half hour. 2 going at a time, and field hockey was doing something too. Yeah. It was hideous. Oh, and did I mention that Bill wasn't there? Or my mom? So it was me and the 4 kids. 2 of whom were bored stiff, and 2 of whom were exhausted. I'm learning more and more how exhausted = cranky!! And when I took out my camera to take pictures, my batteries died after trying to take 2 of the little boys playing on the monkey bars. *sigh*

Well, I'm going to leave you with that. I have a splitting headache, church made me cry today and that always leaves me with a headache. My husband is using my hairdryer to try to dry the steel toe work boots he left out in the rain last night. 4 inches of rain. From a hurricane leftover. The only steel toes he owns, and he has to wear them in the morning to go to work. I'd laugh, but it's just one more reminder of where our kids get all their disorganization from... THEIR PARENTS!!!!