For post #200, I'm going with an easy Internet thing. We received an email from the fire chief, which turned out to be a cruel joke to play on a pregnant woman!! But, after I went to the bathroom, it was REALLY fun!
Mom, don't bother clicking through until you are at home, you MUST have speakers. And I know, it is nine minutes long, but I promise you will laugh for at least six of them!!
Http://videos.komando.Com/2008/06/04/mans-surprising-laugh/
Showing posts with label from the internet. Show all posts
Showing posts with label from the internet. Show all posts
Monday, April 6, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Girl Scout Cookie Time!!
I saw this at Count it all Joy, and couldn't resist!
Oddly, these are my favorite cookie, with Thin mints and those coconut ones!
Oddly, these are my favorite cookie, with Thin mints and those coconut ones!
| You Are Peanut Butter Patties / Tagalongs |
 You go for the drama. You love excitement and passion... even if it gets you in trouble. You are intense and a little self centered. You can be quite full of yourself (but not without reason). You tend to be very indulgent. If you feel like having something, you go ahead and treat yourself. |
Saturday, February 21, 2009
From my Mom...
Two Wolves
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside all people. He said, 'My son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.'
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: 'Which wolf wins?'
The old Cherokee simply replied, 'The one you feed.'
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop offs at tedium and counter productivity."
~ Erma Bombeck
From the Cricut Newsletter, I TOTALLY agree.
~ Erma Bombeck
From the Cricut Newsletter, I TOTALLY agree.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Now, this is more like it:
You Are a Chocolate Shake |
 You are a total hedonist. You are drawn to pleasure. You are an expressive, over the top person. You're naturally dramatic. You're the type of person who always chooses quality over quantity. Life's too short to not have optimal experiences. You're proud of being picky. |
Friday, December 12, 2008
I WROTE A POEM
To a form, even, called a pensieve. Robin, over at Pensieve, (and yes the spelling is a play on pensive Nicki and mom, read her blog post for the explanation!) created her own style of poem, she describes it like this:
Pensieve: A titled, five-line poem; each line correlates to one of the five senses--sight, sound, scent, taste, touch--and describes the subject (title). The goal is for the reader to take on the poem as his own, being able to "experience" your subject through your words, by seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting and feeling what you described.
I totally loved the thought. She is holding a contest, you can enter either a haiku or a "pensieve" on the subject of Winter or Christmas.
I chose both ;-).
So, here it is, be gentle.
Christmas Tree Hunting
The cold bites the skin, but the hopefuls press on
The laughter fills my ears, as snowballs are tossed OVER my head!
The green of the firs is deep and everlasting, as our Savior they represent,
The smells are faint, teasing, but promise to explode in the warmth of our home,
The cocoa warms the soul, comforting and bringing peace.
*edited to add*
click here for more poetry with the same guidelines!
Nicki asked if you can vote for me, I don't think so, but leaving her a comment about liing mine could never hurt!! She's supposed to pick her favorite, and their IS a prize at stake!!
Pensieve: A titled, five-line poem; each line correlates to one of the five senses--sight, sound, scent, taste, touch--and describes the subject (title). The goal is for the reader to take on the poem as his own, being able to "experience" your subject through your words, by seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting and feeling what you described.
I totally loved the thought. She is holding a contest, you can enter either a haiku or a "pensieve" on the subject of Winter or Christmas.
I chose both ;-).
So, here it is, be gentle.
Christmas Tree Hunting
The cold bites the skin, but the hopefuls press on
The laughter fills my ears, as snowballs are tossed OVER my head!
The green of the firs is deep and everlasting, as our Savior they represent,
The smells are faint, teasing, but promise to explode in the warmth of our home,
The cocoa warms the soul, comforting and bringing peace.
*edited to add*
click here for more poetry with the same guidelines!
Nicki asked if you can vote for me, I don't think so, but leaving her a comment about liing mine could never hurt!! She's supposed to pick her favorite, and their IS a prize at stake!!
Friday, December 5, 2008
Christmas Meme
In need of something cute and happy to post, I decided not to email, but blog this reply to an email my mom sent. So, the Christmas edition of "Getting to Know You":
1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Definitely wrapping paper, just like my mom, But unlike her I prefer to go boxless and have quirky shaped packages under the tree!!
2. Real tree or Artificial? Real, not only for the smell and the fun of watching my husband crawl under it to water it, but because we go and cut our own, and those are memories I refuse to give up!!
3. When do you put up the tree? After Thanksgiving, we start looking for Saturdays when no one has to work, no activities are planned, and then we wake up and squeeze it in somewhere and tell the kids no we don't have time to decorate it until way too late at night and then we are all cranky!!! Oh, and I insist on videoing the whole thing. Good times.
4. When do you take the tree down? Whenever I get to it. Usually I can't take looking at it anymore a day or two after Christmas. When I had Michael (the day after Christmas) I agonized that he wouldn't feel like we did his birthday the way we did all the others. So for the first few years I raced that morning to get it down, out, and cutesy birthday things up. Then when I knew I wouldn't have much time last year, I asked Michael how he felt about it. He said the tree made his birthday even more festive! So, I'm back to whenever!
5. Do you like eggnog? LOVE it! But it has a weird after-taste, so you have to keep drinking more!!
6. Favorite gift received as a child? I've had a lot. But the first that came to mind was an overgrown stuffed dog. It was HUGE. My Dad said he had picked it out, and that was just cool.
7. Hardest person to buy for? My stepmother
8. Easiest person to buy for? Well, my mom said "ME!!", and while she is easy to buy for, I would have to say Zachary.
9. Do you have a nativity scene? Yes, and my kids are more than welcome to play with it, as long as they play with it on top of the dresser I put it on.
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail, around 40 in fact!!
11.Worst Christmas gift you ever received? I would never tell, because I wouldn't want to hurt the giver's feelings.
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? How the Grinch Stole Christmas, the original cartoon. My family watches, and recite every line!!!
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Whenever something strikes me as cute, I've been known to pick up one thing in February or something like that. The bulk begins around November, though. I am just about done now, except for what I make.
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Yup. Well, sort of. I don't give them away, but we have given them to people to give away in the past. Sue me.
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Aunt Janet's peanut butter fudge, it's dry without being grainy, just the way I like it.
16. Lights on the tree? Duh. The more the better, and I always remind Bill to put some way in by the trunk. I love lights. And they MUST be colors, white lights look very sterile. And I don't like them to flash, you should always be able to see ALL of them!
17. Favorite Christmas song? Little drummer boy, normal renditions. The poor boy gives all he has, his talents, and the baby Jesus smiles at him, what greater gifts are there?
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Christmas morning in our own beds, but we drive to grandparents to visit for the day.
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? Only if you want me to sing! "You know Dasher..." yeah, I didn't think you wanted to hear that!
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? "Angel. She has to tell Santa if we are being good!" said my mom. She took the words right out of my mouth!
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Morning, and Santa's gifts don't come wrapped, just presents from Mommy and Daddy are wrapped.
22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Trying to cut costs without disappointing people. It's not an easy juggling act.
23. Favorite ornament theme or color? Anything my kids make at school.
24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? "Anything as long as I don't have to cook it." said my mom. Ditto. My favorite thing to eat is Grammy's potato casserole. It used to be cranberry sauce, until I learned you can buy it in the grocery store. Now I get that whenever I have the craving!
25. What do you want for Christmas this year? "A trip to Hawaii and warm sunny weather all winter long. I know . . . ain't gonna happen! I'll settle for happy kids and grandkids and not TOO much commotion on Christmas Day." said my mom. I want an apology (not from her, from someone else). I guess we both dream big. I will settle for a level of understanding in my heart that makes me stop needing the apology. That might actually be possible.
Oh crap, this was supposed to be cute and light. Maybe I should move that last one up?
Too much work, just go back and read #19, ok?
1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Definitely wrapping paper, just like my mom, But unlike her I prefer to go boxless and have quirky shaped packages under the tree!!
2. Real tree or Artificial? Real, not only for the smell and the fun of watching my husband crawl under it to water it, but because we go and cut our own, and those are memories I refuse to give up!!
3. When do you put up the tree? After Thanksgiving, we start looking for Saturdays when no one has to work, no activities are planned, and then we wake up and squeeze it in somewhere and tell the kids no we don't have time to decorate it until way too late at night and then we are all cranky!!! Oh, and I insist on videoing the whole thing. Good times.
4. When do you take the tree down? Whenever I get to it. Usually I can't take looking at it anymore a day or two after Christmas. When I had Michael (the day after Christmas) I agonized that he wouldn't feel like we did his birthday the way we did all the others. So for the first few years I raced that morning to get it down, out, and cutesy birthday things up. Then when I knew I wouldn't have much time last year, I asked Michael how he felt about it. He said the tree made his birthday even more festive! So, I'm back to whenever!
5. Do you like eggnog? LOVE it! But it has a weird after-taste, so you have to keep drinking more!!
6. Favorite gift received as a child? I've had a lot. But the first that came to mind was an overgrown stuffed dog. It was HUGE. My Dad said he had picked it out, and that was just cool.
7. Hardest person to buy for? My stepmother
8. Easiest person to buy for? Well, my mom said "ME!!", and while she is easy to buy for, I would have to say Zachary.
9. Do you have a nativity scene? Yes, and my kids are more than welcome to play with it, as long as they play with it on top of the dresser I put it on.
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail, around 40 in fact!!
11.Worst Christmas gift you ever received? I would never tell, because I wouldn't want to hurt the giver's feelings.
12. Favorite Christmas Movie? How the Grinch Stole Christmas, the original cartoon. My family watches, and recite every line!!!
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Whenever something strikes me as cute, I've been known to pick up one thing in February or something like that. The bulk begins around November, though. I am just about done now, except for what I make.
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Yup. Well, sort of. I don't give them away, but we have given them to people to give away in the past. Sue me.
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Aunt Janet's peanut butter fudge, it's dry without being grainy, just the way I like it.
16. Lights on the tree? Duh. The more the better, and I always remind Bill to put some way in by the trunk. I love lights. And they MUST be colors, white lights look very sterile. And I don't like them to flash, you should always be able to see ALL of them!
17. Favorite Christmas song? Little drummer boy, normal renditions. The poor boy gives all he has, his talents, and the baby Jesus smiles at him, what greater gifts are there?
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Christmas morning in our own beds, but we drive to grandparents to visit for the day.
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? Only if you want me to sing! "You know Dasher..." yeah, I didn't think you wanted to hear that!
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? "Angel. She has to tell Santa if we are being good!" said my mom. She took the words right out of my mouth!
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Morning, and Santa's gifts don't come wrapped, just presents from Mommy and Daddy are wrapped.
22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Trying to cut costs without disappointing people. It's not an easy juggling act.
23. Favorite ornament theme or color? Anything my kids make at school.
24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? "Anything as long as I don't have to cook it." said my mom. Ditto. My favorite thing to eat is Grammy's potato casserole. It used to be cranberry sauce, until I learned you can buy it in the grocery store. Now I get that whenever I have the craving!
25. What do you want for Christmas this year? "A trip to Hawaii and warm sunny weather all winter long. I know . . . ain't gonna happen! I'll settle for happy kids and grandkids and not TOO much commotion on Christmas Day." said my mom. I want an apology (not from her, from someone else). I guess we both dream big. I will settle for a level of understanding in my heart that makes me stop needing the apology. That might actually be possible.
Oh crap, this was supposed to be cute and light. Maybe I should move that last one up?
Too much work, just go back and read #19, ok?
Monday, September 29, 2008
Confession
There's this really bad thing that happens in my life, every 4 to 6 weeks, that turns me absolutely insane. Nothing in the world is right, for anywhere from 4 to 8 days. I have been an absolute basket case for a week, finding it very difficult to hold things together. I burst into tears during a shower last Friday night, and when I was out of the bathroom I cried on my 12 year old's shoulder about missing my Granddad. Who died in 1997.
Yeah.
I was feeling quite hopeless, cause there was no apparent reason for my frustration. And then the bad thing happened. After only 3 weeks.
There may be hope for me yet. Stay tuned.
Oh, and like my new header? I owe it all to Robin, at http://www.pensieve.typepad.com/.
Thanks Robin! I needed the step by step direction! I hadn't read through your post, I just clicked on Wordle to find out what it was, then played around for a day before going back and seeing you had walked us through it. Thanks, it worked like a charm!
Yeah.
I was feeling quite hopeless, cause there was no apparent reason for my frustration. And then the bad thing happened. After only 3 weeks.
There may be hope for me yet. Stay tuned.
Oh, and like my new header? I owe it all to Robin, at http://www.pensieve.typepad.com/.
Thanks Robin! I needed the step by step direction! I hadn't read through your post, I just clicked on Wordle to find out what it was, then played around for a day before going back and seeing you had walked us through it. Thanks, it worked like a charm!
Friday, August 22, 2008
40 Words or less?
to try a real trick,
He's so desparate to
try to fit in.
He leaned just a little,
then lost his grip,
No helmet would save
his scraped chin!
I know, 3 posts in one day!! But I skipped over to http://pensieve.typepad.com/ to see what was happening there, and unlike my usual response ("Hey cool picture, huh.") I went, "Yeah, nice, wait, He thought he was ready..." and a poem came out. So here it is. Thanks Pensieve! For more information, like where the photo came from, click over to her site!
ps. ok, who counted?
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
I won? I really won?
I got a bloggy award!! Weird. I mean good weird, but I never really thought of myself in that kind of blog community. Oh I have a blog community, lots of people I know have blogs, but they are people I KNOW. And they don't make pretty little awards. But Kathy at Count it all Joy (see my sidebar, I don't know how to make it link) knows people who do!!
Feel the bloggy love!! Thank you Kathy, I'm honored, and I'm putting in on my sidebar for all time and eternity!!
I have other things to post, but not with this, this gets its own little piece of blogdom!
Monday, June 9, 2008
Hm, no posts for a month and THIS is the best I can do?
What Your Fridge Says About You |
 You like to be surrounded by things you love. You aren't exactly greedy, but you can be materialistic at times. You are a very thrifty person. You don't like to waste money... or food. You don't tend to be a very adventurous person, but you do surprise everyone now and then. You have a bit of a wild side. You try to be responsible, but you don't always succeed. Your heart is in the right place though. You are likely single - and a workaholic. |
Monday, May 19, 2008
Stolen from the internet...
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People–
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time. !
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
read this at http://momunscripted.wordpress.com/
Men Are Just Happier People–
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time. !
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
read this at http://momunscripted.wordpress.com/
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
The link for the "carnival" I mentioned...
http://fiddledeedee.net/2008/04/28/california-dreamin/
I thought there would be a linky thing to put up, but apparently the illness that struck her kept it from appearing. If you want to read other women's stories of their faith, they can be found at the above link.
I thought there would be a linky thing to put up, but apparently the illness that struck her kept it from appearing. If you want to read other women's stories of their faith, they can be found at the above link.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Nail on the Head, people, Nail on the Head
You Are Clogs |
 You are a solid and down to earth person. You seek – and almost always achieve – a really sound balance in your life. You are stylish yet comfortable. Mellow but driven. Excited yet calm. You are the perfect mesh of contradictions. No matter what happens, you have the ability to stay well grounded in your life. People know that they can truly depend on you. You should live: In Europe You should work: At a company dedicated to helping the world |
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Wanted to share something cool!
**edited to add**
I just looked back, and my last 3 posts were about stuff on the internet! I'm going to go get a life, and then I'll be back to share it with you!!
Well, I'm not feeling a huge desire to post today. At least not yet. But I got an email from our beloved Mr. Taylor with a link, and at the end of that link is a display of pure genius!
For Dustin's Lego League (Mr. Taylor is their coach) they use the Lego NXT Mindstorm kits, they retail for, well a lot of money.
Apparently some college kids with too much time on their hands and no desire to drink or do drugs decided to solve the Rubik's cube. With a robot. Un.real.
http://tiltedtwister.com/
Scroll down to see a video of the thing in action. It's worth the couple of minutes!
I just looked back, and my last 3 posts were about stuff on the internet! I'm going to go get a life, and then I'll be back to share it with you!!
Well, I'm not feeling a huge desire to post today. At least not yet. But I got an email from our beloved Mr. Taylor with a link, and at the end of that link is a display of pure genius!
For Dustin's Lego League (Mr. Taylor is their coach) they use the Lego NXT Mindstorm kits, they retail for, well a lot of money.
Apparently some college kids with too much time on their hands and no desire to drink or do drugs decided to solve the Rubik's cube. With a robot. Un.real.
http://tiltedtwister.com/
Scroll down to see a video of the thing in action. It's worth the couple of minutes!
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Monday, March 10, 2008
I Tried This and said, "Whoa..."
Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence |
 You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well. An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly. You are also good at remembering information and convincing someone of your point of view. A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary. You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator. |
Thursday, March 6, 2008
***WARNING***
I HAVE to share this with you. I mean I HAVE to, can't help myself, I am COMPELLED.
First I will tell you the source: http://www.fiddledeedee.net/. She's a blog I just found, and when you find a good blog, no swearing, funny content, a mom with similar crap and a great way of telling it, you have to read back a little. It helps to give a sense of what the person is really like. So this blog, the name is It Coulda' Been Worse, is pretty funny. I read back to Valentine's Day, and laughed my butt off at a story she tells. Someone else's story, second time she told it, doesn't know the man's name (he probably refuses to reveal it), but oh.my.goodness. I had to LITERALLY walk away from the computer TWICE because it.hurt.to.laugh.SO.much!!
If you've had more than two children, go pee before you read this. Go ahead, we'll wait. Heck, if you haven't peed in the last half hour, go, then come back, and without food or drink in your mouth (choking hazzard) I dare you to read this and not laugh. Loudly. If you are at work, and laughing loudly at something on my blog would be frowned upon, go home and read it there. But you MUST read it. Seriously!
The Perfect Gift
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this :
“Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety….
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Betty what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Was I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, “no possible way!” What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…
I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, “don’t do it master,” reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, “do it again, do it again!”
Note: If you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-… that hurt like …..!!! A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I’m still looking for my testicles. I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return.”
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!
First I will tell you the source: http://www.fiddledeedee.net/. She's a blog I just found, and when you find a good blog, no swearing, funny content, a mom with similar crap and a great way of telling it, you have to read back a little. It helps to give a sense of what the person is really like. So this blog, the name is It Coulda' Been Worse, is pretty funny. I read back to Valentine's Day, and laughed my butt off at a story she tells. Someone else's story, second time she told it, doesn't know the man's name (he probably refuses to reveal it), but oh.my.goodness. I had to LITERALLY walk away from the computer TWICE because it.hurt.to.laugh.SO.much!!
If you've had more than two children, go pee before you read this. Go ahead, we'll wait. Heck, if you haven't peed in the last half hour, go, then come back, and without food or drink in your mouth (choking hazzard) I dare you to read this and not laugh. Loudly. If you are at work, and laughing loudly at something on my blog would be frowned upon, go home and read it there. But you MUST read it. Seriously!
The Perfect Gift
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this :
“Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety….
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Betty what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Was I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, “no possible way!” What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…
I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, “don’t do it master,” reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, “do it again, do it again!”
Note: If you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-… that hurt like …..!!! A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I’m still looking for my testicles. I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return.”
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!
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