Monday, April 7, 2008

This post is for Kathy (Joy) B.

I've been dreadfully ill this weekend with a sinus infection, which Z is showing the early symptoms of having caught. I read a post on a blog last Thursday, and wanted to write about it here, but was out all day and then fell too ill to do more than was absolutely necessary. So now, here it is:

It's a strange, strange thing, this internet. By opening a blog some time ago, I invited myself into a whole new world. Oh yes, I brought a few friends along with me, and we have learned together how to cross things out, upload pictures, even got a video to work once.

But then something happened. I started looking to see who else was out in the blogosphere. I found some really funny women, some angry women, women with many children, women with none, and even the occasional man. Some I took one look and passed them by, not really liking what I saw. Others seemed ok, but not really worth the time, when I suspected better was out there. So amazing is this internet, that even our church leaders have spoken of it in a world-wide convention, encouraging us to use it in a manner that would please the Lord.

I wept Thursday morning. I wept openly, and unabashedly, alone at my computer. I wept for a woman I have never met, and for whom I probably never will. I did not know she existed two months ago, but when I found her, of all places on this internet, I knew she was someone I would like. I told her that first day that I read her thoughts on line that I didn't know what it was that I liked about her blog, but the word peaceful kept coming to mind, and there just isn't enough peace in my life, so I would be back.

And I have, I've been back, to look at beautiful photos of flowers, old buildings, ancestors who are not my own. Things that I long to make the time for, but know it is not the right season of my life. But I have rejoiced in the beauty that this wonderful woman, this woman I have not met, sees, and desires to share with the world. And she has been to my blog, and given me words of encouragement and peace, words that I treasure.

I knew she had cancer. I reminded myself of that Thursday morning, and even went back to read the page that had told me early on she was ill. But for someone so far away, who doesn't talk about it online much, and doesn't have numerous photos of herself showing frailty and hair loss, it was easy to forget. I should have remembered, anyone so good at stopping to look at life had a clear understanding of it's value, something usually only gained through loss.

I shrunk for a moment. I am embarrassed to tell you that. But I was so tired, physically, and also emotionally. There just seems to be so much loss, it has been a very hard winter. But it only lasted a moment. Then, I went on to consider how truly refined in the fire of trial this elect daughter of God is. To be such a strong, and spiritual person that it could come through in a mere introduction read on a computer screen, must truly be one of the Lord's chosen.

I am grateful to those who step forward, and testify of their faith. I am grateful to those who share the good, and also the bad. I am thankful for a heart that is open, and can still be touched, in spite of numerous, and ongoing hurts. But mostly I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father, who awaits our return with open arms, and for our Lord and Savior, even Jesus Christ, who atoned for our sins and made it possible.

I am grateful, even in this small way, to have known Kathy.

3 comments:

Tracey said...

Oh honey, I'm so sorry... we do form friendships online... No matter that they aren't traditional, they are real. My thoughts go to her family and friends...

Kim said...

What a beautiful tribute. You are so eloquent sometimes.
I want to know her, too. She sounds like a treasure (kinda like you).
Thank you.
KKS

kbbryant said...

Marie

You have me in shock. I am humbled and blown over by your tribute.

You know how we kinda go along with our lives and go kicking and screaming into adulthood? Well that has been me. I still see myself as that young 20 something bride that I was and don't step back and see how I am a "big girl now" and have matured. And then God graciously reveals how he is using us for others and we see ourselves with those new eyes.
Thank you for again showing me how this disease has transformed me through Gods plan. I know it in my head but not always my heart.

Again, thank you for your gracious and eloquent words and heart.

Kathy b

ps strangly I have never lost my hair, and today I will mow the lawn but probably take a nap too. I'm fiercly independent and stubborn. God is working on that too.